The Most Tortured Sports Fans

Published on June 24, 2004 By Wesley Phillips In Sports & Leisure

A few weeks ago Bill Simmons of ESPN Page 2 fame, put out a list of The Most Tortured Sports Cities. For the most part I agreed with his list, so there really wasn't much I could say in addition to it.

But! I have come up with a list of my own, The Most Tortured Sports Fans. Just about every major city has one sports team that hasn't done anything of significance recently. So it's my job to point them out and laugh uncontrollably....

These teams are listed in no particular order: The teams are listed for futility and hopelessness. For example the Cleveland Cavs would have been listed but they do have hope in LeBron. Same thing with NY Jets. They have hope and a chance in Pennington.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays - Maybe I have a personal vendetta against Jose Cruz Jr...well actually I do have a personal vendetta against Jose Cruz Jr. Any team he is playing for is doomed for failure. And to think the Jays almost traded Alex Rios 3 yrs ago to give Cruz more security...whew!!!!

Kansas City Chiefs - Little brother complex and they haven't recovered from the death of Derrick Thomas.

Cincinnati Reds - Even though they won the World Series about 11 or 12 yrs ago, I'm only mentioning them because of that bastard who crapped on them when they trusted him, Pete Rose. Imagine finding out that Doug Gilmour slept with an underage girl, or that Wendell Clark is bi-sexual, or Tie Domi used the N word...uuuhhhhh....right.......

Cincy Bengals - Very iffy, they actually have hope for the future in Coach Marv Lewis. But they've been so bad for so long.

Phoenix Suns - After a day to think about it, I've changed my mind. This team has been in the playoffs for most of the last 20 yrs. How bad can that be? They should talk to Clipper fans.

Washington Redskins - Daniel Snyder is the equivalent of that nosy Aunt that is in everyone's family. You know her; all she does is just meddle and causes more strife to every situation. I just wished that Aunt would just hurry up and die! Not you Aunt Naomi.

Washington Capitals - They've been to finals once and if they go again in the next 10 yrs I'll be surprised. Probably the most boring bad franchise in the NHL. At least the Leafs are interesting.

Houston Astros - Used to have bad uniforms and a bad stadium. But they may have a shot this year to win the Series so maybe not that tortured after all...but this year doesn't erase the playoff failures of yesteryear.

San Diego Padres - When David Wells is your Ace, you're in trouble...I will give them this. They at least got to see Tony Gwynn get 3000 hits in a Padres uniform.

Atlanta Hawks - After yrs of watching Dominique Wilkins do his best Jordon imitation, they now have no superstar to watch and carry the franchise. And because of that they haven't seen the playoffs in years!!! Negative bonus points for having to endure Camp Lenny Wilkins.

Seattle Seahawks - Like Simmons says, it seems like this franchise has been .500 for the last 20 yrs. Not good enough to make the playoffs but not bad enough to get an impact player in the NFL draft to turn their fortunes around.

Seattle Sonics - They will be forever known as the first #1 seed to lose to a #8 seed in the first round of the playoffs. Whenever I think of Seattle Supersonics (don't forget the Super, we wouldn't want to confuse them with SonicBoom), I picture Dikembe Mutombo lying flat on the court, screaming with his arms raised. I'll never forget it. That is the Supersonic's claim to fame, sad eh?

Seattle Mariners - The title of the book about this team can either be "The team that never was" or "The team that will never be". In 1995, this team had Griffey, Big Unit, Buhner, Tino Martinez, Luis Soho (when he used to be good, yes I know it's hard to believe but its true), Dan Wilson, and so on... and ARod wasn't even a regular on the team!!!! They lose in the playoffs to Baltimore and then 2 yrs later start selling off their stars...and the rest is history. At least the Blue Jays won a couple of time before they did that.

Minnesota Twins - They are only on this list because of Kirby Puckett. Yes I know he was exonerated but it just alters the way you look at him. You just can't help it. Especially with what his ex-wife said about him. In case you don't know, let's just say that OJ is a boy scout compared to Kirby.

Vikings - They have lost the Super Bowl almost as many times as the Bills. But they are not considered a loser franchise like how the Bills are coined. Why? Maybe it's because they have the most exciting player in the NFL not named Michael Vick. Maybe it's because they've been competitive for the 10 yrs. Or maybe it's because no one can match the Bills. The Bills are in their own class of futility. I think it's the last one.

Boston Bruins - Harry Sinden, that cheap bum has done nothing to field a winner. The Bruins fans are a lot more loyal than I would be.

Boston Red Sox- Do I really have to say anything?

NY Mets - Steve Phillips, the former GM of the Mets bought expensive vets who did nothing. Plus they also have a little brother complex.

NY Knicks- The Patrick Ewing Era

Tor Maple Leafs - Harold Ballard, Teacher's Union. From one cheap bastard to a whole bunch.

Mon Expos - if a team moves from Montreal, does anyone even notice?

Buffalo Bills - I'm a huge Bills fan and it would truly hurt too much to discuss their past and present failures. I'm tearing up as we speak now...sniff...let's just move on.

Buffalo Sabres - Those who live in Buffalo believe they are cursed. So that covers the Bills, the Bisons (AAA), the inability to get a waterfront casino to invigorate the economy and the Sabres. #1, the 'Foot in the Crease" goal in the Stanley Cup Finals shouldn't have counted and #2 it has reaffirmed Buffalonians belief as well as assurance that they are cursed and doomed to failure. So those outside of Buffalo may not think that the Sabres are that bad off. But to Buffalonians, they are doomed.

Colorado Rockies - They will never win anything with that thin air. They are wasting their time and money going to games.

Philly Eagles - For my friend Anthony's sake I won't comment on them....losers.....I couldn't help myself.

Philly Flyers - They came close this year but I think the window of opportunity is closing so this year was their best chance. It will only get worse.

Philly Sixers - They get the pleasure of watching a broken down Allen Iverson for the next 5 to 7 yrs...Have fun.

Philly Phillies - They actually have a decent chance to make the World Series this year as well as in the next couple of yrs. They're like the Cleveland Indians when Jacobs Field first opened up. The Phillies will have to win within the next few yrs before attendance drops and revenue drops, which will force them to sell their players.

Chicago Bears - Da Bears! How cool is that when Saturday Night Live makes a skit about your fans...Da Bills! (A skit about trailer park white trash drinking themselves to sleep.)

Chicago Blackhawks - I don't even know if I should have listed this team. Chicagoans don't even care about this team. This team was so hot in the early 90's and now look at them. Bill Wirtz has been running them for the longest while and anything short of a heart attack won't stop it.

Chicago Cubs - They've always enjoyed being the lovable losers, but those final two games had to hurt. I remember the Blue Jays losing to the KC Royals in 1985. I was 12 at the time and I was a mess. I cried for almost a day. I've never felt so much pain as a fan. But what happened last yr to the Cubs must have been 10 times worse...almost as bad as losing 3 NFC title games in a row...lol...that's for my friend Anthony and his beloved Eagles.

Detroit Lions - Being a Lions fan, I suffer everyday knowing that that idiot Matt Millen is in charge of personnel decisions. The fans of Detroit won't be delivered from his idiotice tyranny until he's fired!

Detroit Tigers - They should have kept the Old Tiger Stadium. Obviously the new one hasn't changed their fortunes. I don't see any hope for the near future. They are going to have to go completely young and start over...again.

Pitt Steelers - Instead of ducking linebackers, Kordell Stewart has been ducking rumours of him crying on the sidelines and ducking rumours of homosexuality. And this was the face of the franchise for several years. They picked up Rothlisberger to be QB in this year's NFL Draft so their future seems a little bright. It shouldn't be hard for Rothlisberger to keep the crying off the field and within the confines of his shower.

Pitt Penguins - 2 Tickets to the game, $100. 2 programs, $30. 4 beers, $34. The price of finding out Mario Lemieux is not dressing for the game again because of an injury...ABSOLOUTELY OUTRAGEOUS!!!!

CLEV Browns - Imagine some rich guy stealing your girlfriend. She's average looking but was really really good to you and did all the little things. So this rich guy steals your girl and buys her a crazy amount of gifts and treasures. He pays for a boobjob, pays for a facelift and buys her a whole new wardrobe. Because of this, she decides to go for Miss Universe and wins! Meanwhile you get a new girlfriend who's a little uglier, a little crazier and can't cook. If she has an IQ over 100 you'd be surprised. Imagine how that must really suck! Now imagine being a Cleve Browns fan. See the correlation? Sucks to be them eh?

That's all folks!

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